Have You Heard the Word?
by Grand Phoenix
Summary: There's a new song taking Mid-Childa by storm, and it comes to Cranagan not just on a Friday night but THE Friday night! Read on as Nanoha and Fate get it on, Signum and Shamal toke up, Chrono slams Hayate's voyeurism, and much more! Raise your heads and rock out, THE BIRD IS THE WORD! [Extreme OOC]
1. PART ONE!

_A/N: Remember this? The majority of the story is completed, and all that's left is to merge the second chapter with the third (as the document I have shows it being incomplete, and the Wayback Machine isn't being of any help) and finish the last chapter (which is sitting at 1.3K words). Compared to _Just Let It Go Already _and the other parodies I've done, this is even more random. And when there's randomness involved, there is plenty of insanity to go around._

_Like some of the other stories I have sitting in my USB drives, I thought about getting back into it, touch it up, and pick up where I left off._

* * *

**TODAY'S PROGRAM IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY:**

**GP-SAMA'S CRACK IN A BOX!**

**SNIFF IT. LICK IT. RUB IT. EAT IT. MAKE LOVE TO IT! IT'S GRADE-A, SUPER-EFFICIENT, TURKEY-APPROVED CRACK IN A BOX! AND IT'S ALL AT YOUR DISPENSE!**

**GP-SAMA'S CRACK IN A BOX! IT'S BETTER THAN POT, MESCALINE, SHROOMS _AND_ BATH SALTS!**

_WARNING: REMOVE SANITY BEFORE OPENING._

* * *

**PART ONE!**

It was the greatest thing to ever happen.

It was the best slow-motion, eye-widening, heart-stopping epiphany she ever had. It was like peeking in on the unsuspecting women in the shower with her gut crunching in ecstasy, but this—_THIS_ was ten times better than any voyeuristic crusade she ventured on.

It was like snorting crack and going on a psychedelic acid trip. It was like enduring an earth-shattering orgasm followed by a consecutive amount of multiple orgasms. It was like listening to Jackie Moon's 'Love Me Sexy' while trying to cop a feel on her partner's breast and taking a sucker-punch point blank to the face. It was like finding the answer to the meaning of life and discovering it was 43.

Most of all, it was like obtaining nirvana among a bevy of brown-haired, blue-eyed sex goddesses.

She couldn't get it out of her head, couldn't shake the words clinging to her mind like steam-induced fantasies. Just what was this gregarious chant filling her with boundless, restless energy?

She posed this question to the cashier at the front desk.

"Oh, this? It's an old song from Earth. S'called 'Surfin' Bird' by The Trashmen."

_Surfin' Bird,_ she mused curiously. It rolled off her tongue so smoothly, delicately, like the sweat on a woman's shoulder should taste. Salty, crisp, _exotic_. She said it more slowly: _Surfin' Bird…._

If this place wasn't so crowded, she would be pelvic thrusting the air like a dog with a bone.

"Tell me, good sir, do you have a copy of this 'Surfin' Bird'?"

"Uhh, yeah. Costs a nifty penny, though."

"How much?"

"Try a hundred-fifty."

"Well fuck me gently, I'll take it."

Nakajima Subaru walked out of the store a newer, lighter, sexier person.

She couldn't have been more right and more wrong.

* * *

At Riot Force Six's Central Command, four men—Vice Granscenic, Griffith Lowran, Zafira of the Wolkenritter and Chrono Harlaown—lounged in the break room. Vice had called for an important meeting between the quartet, so he invited Griffith and the Velkan Knight without a moment's hesitation. And while they came willingly Chrono declined, saying he would rather participate in an assembly of his superiors than that of this womanizing Sergeant Major.

Vice dragged the Admiral's scrawny white boy ass off the _Claudia's_ boarding ramp regardless of the comment.

And there they were, gathered at a round table sipping their cups of Joe (because according to his sister StarBucks made the best goddamned coffee…among other things he really didn't want to hear. Chrono shuddered at the thought.) Vice had a manila envelope in his hands, and judging from how wide his smirk was it had to be something scandalous.

"So what is it you wanted to show us?" asked Griffith.

"Yes, Vice," said Chrono snidely. "What is so important that you had to pull me away while I was talking to my wife?"

"Ah, but it is very important, m'Admiral!" exclaimed the Sergeant Major. "It is important of the most utmost importance! For you see, what I hold in my hands will grant us immediate access to Lieutenant Colonel Yagami's Lesbian Army!"

Zafira sputtered into his coffee. "Wh-What?!"

Chrono arched a cobalt brow. "Lesbian Army?"

"Yes, yes! Let's be friends with the les-bi-ans!"

"And _how_ is this important?"

"Because I and every able-bodied person know what today is."

"Friday?" queried Griffith.

"Not just Friday!" Vice assured the silver-haired technician. "It's _Friday_!"

"That doesn't make any sense," grunted Zafira noncommittally.

"Now now, let me finish! Yes, today's Friday, but it's a special Friday! In three hours the sun will set and give way to night. In three hours Captain Fate and Captain Nanoha are gonna finish their trainin' session with the Forwards. In _THREE HOURS_ they will go to their room, lock the door, lock the windows, close the blinds, turn off the lights and crank the radio station to WNUA 95.5 at nine o' clock central time in Chicago. Why is this important? Because in _THREE HOURS_ they'll be under those sheets doin' the horizontal tango while Kenny G plays 'Songbird' on a low volume. It is THIS EVENT, THIS TIME and THIS PLACE that their Special Weekly Friday Sex Night will take place, and by the Gods it'll set our souls ON FIRE!"

"More like your dick," grumbled the wolf-man. Vice flashed him a brief scowl.

"What are you up to, Vice?" the Admiral grounded out.

"What does their special night have to do with the manila envelope?" This being tossed in from Lowran.

"I've been waiting for just the question, m'dear Griffith! This envelope holds Lieutenant Colonel Yagami's two-hundred favorite snapshots of our made-in-heaven couple in various provocative poses, hot make-out sessions, groping episodes, orgasmic portraits, post-coital bliss and second helpings. It also includes fifty photos of miscellany and a twelve-page commentary written by the Tome of the Night Sky's Mistress herself! Here, have a looksy!"

He opened the envelope and passed the pictures around. Taking off the rubber bands they observed them with minute glances.

Vice did not have to wait long for their reactions, especially Chrono's.

The poor guy nearly choked on his Joe, grey irises blinking wildly. "Oh my Gods…What are they…? Wh-What? Why is Fate wearing a _saddle_?"

Zafira scratched his chin. "I see now why they look forward to Friday nights."

"Why is she being _strung up_ like that?"

Griffith blushed darkly. "Hey Zaf, look at this and tell me what you see."

The Guardian Beast hummed understandingly. "Ah, so _that's_ why they call it doggy style."

"Ahh, those welts! They look painful!"

"Are you getting something out of this, Griffith?" asked Zafira.

"No," he stated matter-of-factly. "I just can't believe I'm getting a look at some girl-on-girl action."

"What is Nanoha _putting_ in her…? _OH MY GOD! _Is that…?"

"So why's your hand under the table?"

"_OH GOD__!_"

Griffith's face turned an even darker shade. He grimaced. "No reason."

"Well?" Vice pitched in, smiling. "How d'you like it?"

"Dude, what the hell?!" exploded Chrono. "That's my sister getting fucked!"

"So?"

"SO?! You're this _CLOSE_ to having your check boun—!"

Zafira clapped a hand over the Admiral's mouth, silencing him. "Sergeant Major, you say these photographs are from the Mistress, correct?"

"Yup!" he nodded.

"The Mistress is very tight-lipped with her personal belongings. Why do you have them with you in the first place?"

Tension reigned. The men's brows rose almost well above their hairlines. Their coffee was forgotten.

And then:

"Oh my God, did you steal them?!" exclaimed Griffith incredulously.

"Me? Steal pictures from Lieutenant Colonel? For shame, Lowran!"

"LIAR!" screamed Chrono, ripping Zafira's hand from his lips. He rose from his chair, planted his palms on the table and pointed at him. "YOU'RE A THIEF!"

"Oh my God, you _DID_ steal them!" Lowran parroted.

"Now why would I want to steal from her? As a matter of fact, _she_ was the one who gave 'em to me."

"OBJECTION!" cried the Admiral.

"Overruled," said Vice coolly. "This is why I called for a meeting. You see, Lieutenant Colonel Yagami is going on a crusade tonight to watch the magic unfold. Normally she would go alone as to protect her double life from the general public, _but_ she's insisted on us to come along and—I quote, dear boys—_Experience the joy, the wonder, the thrills and chills of intimate girl-to-girl bonding_." Vice clasped his hands. "So whaddya say? Are we game or are we (and by _we_ I mean you guys) lame?"

"No fucking way," objected Chrono.

"I'm in!" shouted Griffith enthusiastically.

"What?!"

"I shall come as well," said Zafira stoically. "I would…like to see the full expanse of this…_doggy style_."

"WHAT?!"

"Then it's settled! It's three to one on this vote! We're all goin' on a trip to see the girlies!"

"YAY!" squealed Lowran.

Chrono groaned and hid his face. "Somebody shoot me."

At that moment the door opened and Teana Lanstar stepped forward, cocking Cross Mirage's hammer. "You rang?"

* * *

Something wicked was approaching Central Command.

Mind you, fellow reader, it was not a weapon nor a Gadget Drone nor Lugia—ahem, a _Lost Logia_ nor was it Jail Scaglietti the Class-One interdimensional criminal himself.

It was something much worse, and our main protagonist, our lovable hypersexual pervert and expert peeping-tom Nakajima Subaru, was oblivious to the danger she had in her possession.

She was literally roaring across Mid-Childa via Wing Road, arms spread wide and voice shouting at the top of her lungs. At the speed she was going, Mach Calibur barely touched the path comprised of magicks and data.

The wind howled, demonic and unbearable, but that did not stop the young'in from singing to the high heavens.

Little did everyone know, the clock was ticking. T-minus five minutes…

Four minutes…

Three minutes…

Oh _yes_.

Something wicked was _definitely_ coming this way.

They wouldn't know what hit them.

* * *

On the other side of the barracks, a scene was going on, one that Lieutenant Colonel and her upbeat (and a certain outvoted) cohorts were surely missing out on. They would _kill_ to see this.

But Shario Finieno did not want to. I mean, hell, she loved her friends and had the utmost loyalty and respect for them, but there WAS such a thing called getting a room. If it had been any other couple, she would have obliged to watch. Yet these two…_horndogs_…Shouldn't they be out training their Forwards? Or researching that Jail Sca…Sca…whatever-the-fuck-his-name-was guy?

For Christ's sake, it was Friday night! Friday was the only day in the week when they allowed their hormones to take over. Why couldn't they have their P.D.A. somewhere else?! The closet or storage compartment was a good place! Hell, they might as well make Seven Minutes in Heaven into Eight Minutes, or a Half Hour, or Hour, or however the fuck long it took them to satiate their primal desires!

Of course, such inner monologues weren't going to sway the gay away. Not that she was against it or anything, but…she _had_ her limits. And seeing them swap DNA in _that manner_ wasn't helping soothe her nerves.

So, sitting at the lovely plastic table with Lucino Liilie and Alto Karuetta at her flanks, drinking their cups of Joe (because according to Instructor Takamachi Starbucks made the best goddamned coffee…among other things she _REALLY_ didn't want to hear; Shari cringed at the thought) in paper containers, she watched Nanoha and Ace Enforcer Fate T. Harlaown showered their love in a hot episode of passion. Filling their mouths with saliva, planting hickies at only-God-knows-where, unbuttoning their uniforms and loosening their ties, clutching their hair and groping their chests…holy katamari it looked like they were going to do it on the floor and NOT CARE if people were around.

Well, there _was_ that one time, after a mock battle session that, just as the Forwards were leaving for the barracks, they decided to traumatize one of them by having Fate shove Nanoha up against a tree and thoroughly 'explore' her in full view. Poor Elio damned near bled himself to death; even his ghost almost kicked the bucket when Subaru—shirtless and bruised and trousers gathered at her ankles and a vicious palm mark glaring red on her cheek—hopped over and pulled him back home where he happily welcomed sweet oblivion.

Not that she cared what those two were doing in the least bit.

Still…

A loud moan penetrated (_Yuck!_ she thought, grimacing. _Penetrated?_) her muse. Reality set in as she laid eyes on the couple, in which Nanoha roughly massaged a breast and Fate expressed her arousal in a way that would make any porn star practice for the perfect pitch of their vocal chords. The blond fisted her brunette lover's hair, yanked her head back, and sealed her lips atop that warm mouth. Grunting approvingly into the delectable cavern, Takamachi wrapped her arms about the Enforcer's neck and legs around her waist. Harlaown hoisted the smaller woman up and slammed her into the opposite wall while lacquered nails raked scarlet furrows along her back. There she proceeded to hump the Instructor like no tomorrow….

Shari snatched the Joe and gulped that sucker down in three seconds flat. Banging the cup in its rightful place that shook the table, she crossed her arms over her ample (and not so impressive) chest (lucky bastards!) and huffed. "You know, with all this fuckin' and truckin' goin' on every week, you'd _think_ there'd be a _chance_ for SOME PEOPLE in their _right minds_ to GET THE FUCK OUT and tap what little _ass_ there's left _in private_. KNOW WHAT I'M-A SAYING?!"

Time came to a screeching standstill.

Both girls ceased their ministrations and regarded the tech with lust-filled eyes. Shari, in return, glared back, lower lip protruding in a pout.

Indigo and burgundy met narrowed brown.

_Yeah, that's right. Fucking pout. Be fucking petulant! Anything's better than watching you two pass the gravy back and forth in your pants!_ She shuddered at the thought and the image that followed. _ARGH-BLARGH GODDAMIT now I can't look at Thanksgiving gravy the same ever again!_

A vein popped onto her forehead and throbbed angrily as the pair resumed their make-out session, ignoring her as if the outburst never happened.

_Why you…!_

Shari tore at her hair, biting back the banshee shriek welling in her throat. "I HAVE FURY! I fix their devices! I give their barrier jackets upgrades! I set them up on the date of their lives, bring them together through hell and high water, and THIS is the THANKS I GET?! My FURY is FURIOUS!"

Alto patted her friend's forearm reassuringly. "Oi, oi, Shari, don't bust a nut now. This sort of interaction's natural. When you grow up and fall in love, you'll also want to blatantly ignore friendship in favor of taste-testing some irresistible white chocolate."

"Don't forget the dark chocolate!" quipped Lucino.

The pilot-in-training laughed, waving her hand in a shooing gesture. "You and your dark chocolate! I swear, Lucino, it's almost like you WANT to be black!"

"Oh, if only I had the money to get that negroplasty! That way I can be the succulent center in that yogurt-flavored Oreo those two are trying to make!"

"Who _wouldn't_ want to be the center of a delicious Oreo cookie?"

"I SHOULD BE THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE GETTING FUCKIN' SNOGGED FOR MY VENERABLE GOOD WILL AND KINDNESS, GODDAMMIT!" raged Shari, eyes and pupils shrunk to a pin and fangs bared in a snarl.

Lucino gawked at her, blinking owlishly. "The middle?"

"That's right!" exclaimed Alto, clapping her hands. "_Shari_ can be the creamy yogurty goodness! It all makes sense now!"

The purple-haired ship navigator cupped her chin. "Sensible, indeed! You're as sharp as ever, Alto dear! Why, I would _love_ to have a vanilla-flavored yogurt-centered Oreo. Mmph! Just thinking about it makes me want to go over there and dot, dot, dot!"

"Dot, dot, dot?" Alto asked confusedly.

Lucino nodded vigorously. "_The_ dot, dot, dot!"

The pilot's eyes immediately flared with realization. "Oh!" She giggled. "Dot, dot, dot!"

"Dot, dot, dot!" repeated Lucino.

"Dot, dot, dot!" This being Alto. Then together:

"Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot—!"

"FOR THE LOVE OF FURY, _BOTH OF YOU_ PUT A FLIPPIN' DOT _ON IT!_" raged Shari.

Alto gasped, covering her mouth in mock horror. "There go the ovaries!"

"Next it'll be the breasts!" added Lucino.

"Cease your testicular profanity! I am in the greatest pinch of all pinches, and your reproductive vulgarity is not helping!"

"Oh no!" cried Lucino.

"What sort of pinch are you in?" prodded Alto.

"Is it this pinch?" Lucino reached over and pinched the skin of Shari's neck.

The tech cringed. "Ow, no!"

"What about this pinch?" Alto squeezed a sliver of her arm.

A yelp. "NO!"

"Or this pinch?" Lucino pulled at her cheeks.

A glare. "NO!"

"Oh! Maybe this pinch!" Both girls leaned across the table and seized a nipple each.

Shari snatched and crushed their hands in an iron grip, her face awash in an evil shadow. "Pinch me again and I'll _fucking KILL YOU_. Got it?!" Mountainous irises lifted and blazed a nightmarish red.

"Y-Yes, ma'am!" stuttered the techs painfully. When she let go, they nursed their smarting wounds.

"Man, Shari, you're really not too enthusiastic about them, are ya?" said Lucino. "I mean, who WOULDN'T want to see NanoFate ready to fuck 'n' truck? That's like a fangirl's wet dream!"

"Look, I don't mind seein' them spreadin' the lo- Wait. _NanoFate_? Where the hell did that come from?"

"It's a thing people that admire 'em do when they wanna see 'em as a couple," Alto explained. "You take one part of a person's name—the first couple letters, mind you—and put 'em together with either another person's name or the last few letters of that person's name. However, that depends on how long the name is. If ya got a long name, you have to the last syllable with the first syllable, but if ya got a short name you just put it with _that_ first syllable. Hence, NanoFate. Or Feinoha, if ya prefer romanization. Does that help?"

"Eh, sort of."

"Sort of?" Lucino repeated curiously. She propped her elbows on the table and steeped her hands. "How so?"

Fate ripped off her uniform and unbuttoned the white dress shirt to reveal her buxom bust and that sexy-ass black bra she wears. A growl rumbled in the back of her throat as she placed Nanoha's head over her heaving heart. Those bruised, swollen lips nipped and suckled on that bronzed flesh as nimble fingers fumbled with the belt buckle of the blond's pants.

Shari tapped a digit against her empty cup. "Look, I love Nanoha and Fate just as much as everyone else does, but…seriously! Let's see somethin' new! Gimme another couple to fawn over! Like…like…Elio and Caro! Yeah, that would work great…if they were older, but who cares? Love between a loli and shouta can be up in anybody's alley! Or Signum and Shamal…if they weren't always locked in that goddamned chemistry room! Argh, what else, what else? Ah, Zafira and Arf! But it's kinda awkward when you have a little girl and a talking blue mutt trying to put the moves on each other. Bestiality just ain't my thing. And Hayate and Carim…well, the Church would be tanning their asses with thick wooden paddles that have the words _Sway the Gay away! Net the Het!_ on 'em. So in all honesty, fellow wigger and nut-buster extraordinaire, I would totally, TOTALLY love to have front row seats watching Subaru and Tea make out than Horny and Hornier over there."

Alto snorted into her Joe and guffawed. Lucino clutched her side and pounded the table top, spilling dark liquid in the process.

Shari frowned deeply. Her brow furrowed and the hairs on her neck bristled. "And you don't think that's possible?"

"Of course not!" exclaimed Lucino in between chortles. "Those two are like planets on a collision course! It's a disaster waiting to happen!"

"Think about it, Shari," said Alto as a matter of fact. "One is a hypersexual stalker with a penchant to getting her ass kicked. The other is a CLOSETED yandere with a steroid addiction who actually DOES kick ass. In all theory, Darwin's natural selection _does not_ _insist_ on this coupling!"

"And just _where_ does Charles Darwin fit into all this?"

"EVERYWHERE!" the girls shouted simultaneously and fell into temptation's erupting laughter.

Finieno snorted and rolled her eyes. Why oh why couldn't these buffoons listen to her? Why couldn't they give them a chance? Why couldn't they take this change of pace in stride? Okay, sure Lanstar was a fuckin' psycho incognito, and yes Subaru was an irritating li'l sex hound, but hell! wouldn't that be more interesting than a Higurashi cop-out and a Solid Snake reject? She thought so.

_Please, if there are any gods or goddesses out there that can divert this conversation in a different direction, then by all means do it!_

And they did.

Because that was when _IT_ happened.

The two most random words Shari Finieno ever heard in her existence (and all other possible incarnations that are floating outside space, time, and human thought—THANK YOU, ALTERNATE UNIVERSES!) made a grand entrance in the form of an approaching, wind-screeching howl:

_"…sssssssSSSSSSURRRRRRRFIN' __**BIRD!"**_

_**KERRASSH!**_

The table between the trio was immediately reduced to rubble, the coffee vaporized by sheer awesomeness and major pwnage. Nanoha, who was just about ready to pull down Fate's trousers and proceed with Operation pr0n, shot a murderous glare at the foolish asswipe of a student who dare interrupt her _LOVE LOVE REACTION!_

That foolish, careless, reckless, incompetently stupid cunt—!

And then _that song_ blasted from the MP3's headphones, and then _she_, Subaru fucking Nakajima, broke out with it and, _oh gods…_DANCED.

"A-well-a, everybody's heard ABOUT THE BIRD!  
Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word.  
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word.  
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word.  
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word.  
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, well, the bird is the word.  
Hey, don't you know about the bird?" Then, angrily, up in the trio's faces: "YOU BETTER FUCKING KNOW THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD!  
A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word."  
To Nanoha and Fate: "Hey, lesbians at the wall, the bird is the word."  
Opening the window and yelling down below - "ZEST AND LUTECIA, THE BIRD IS THE WORD!"- utterly ignoring the tall man's angry curse.  
Kicking down the door to a hidden study room: "Author at the desk, the bird is the word. Hey, don't you KNOW about the bird?"  
"Hell, everyone KNOWS that the bird is the word!" agreed GP-sama.  
"A-well-a, bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word.  
A-well-a, BIRD!"

_**"SUBARU-BAKEMONO!"**_ yelled the White Devil, hauling up the wretched Nakajima by her jacket. Indigo orbs roared indignantly into innocent green disks. "_WHAT_ do you THINK you're _DOING?!_"

"Ah! Nanoha-sensei! This song kicks ass!" said the Mid-Childan with a foxy grin. "I've had it on repeat since you told me to go take a hike to South Mid for walking in on you and Fate-sensei last week!"

"Do you think I GIVE A DAMN?! And it's been six days! Why aren't you over there minding your own business?!"

"A lot of intriguing phenomena have been occurring to me in those six days, Nanoha-sensei! I learned why The Impossible Song is called Impossible on Stepmania—"

* * *

Subaru watched fascinated as the mines and arrows fly and disappear across the computer screen while jamming the F5 key. "Wow! This song really IS impossible!"

* * *

"—discovered a lost castle—"

* * *

"REVOLVER CANNON!" She punched the sandy coast with all her might. The ground rumbled with a resounding clap. So fierce was this power that the ocean split in two, revealing the Prophet, Queen Zeal, and Schala, who dropped from her floating position above the Mammon Machine.

The matriarch swore under her breath. "I've been found!"

"Well, this certainly isn't in The Scenario…." murmured the Prophet.

Schala staggered to her feet, giving Subaru a small smile. "Th-Thank you f-for rescuing me! To wh-what do I owe this va-valiant kni—OHHHH…OH, _OH SHIIIIITTTTT!_"

The sea came crashing down on the trio and the Ocean Palace, erasing their existences in a heartbeat.

* * *

"—and I had British tea-time with Pinhead and Pyramid Head!"

* * *

"Here's your tea, fellas! Drink up!" Sitting between the demon and the personification, Subaru poured them the scalding liquid in their matching china cups and saucers. After serving herself she took a sip, only to instantly splutter and cough. "BLARGH! Alright, who's the wise guy that put SALT in my tea?!"

The pair answered with rough, matching cackles.

* * *

"But I figured despite my shortcomings and inner monologues on how to be a better stalker, I would come back and spend the last day of my vacation here at Central Command before you proceed to take me in the ass and rape me of my dignity during the brutal, ungodly gauntlet that is called steeling one's mind and bearing one's soul for the truth and nothin' but. Or training, in laymen's terms." Subaru rewarded her honored Sensei the one-of-a-kind, patented smile made fit for the Nakajima genetic structure. "And that, Nanoha-sama, is my closing statement. What do you think? Sounds like I had a blast, eh?"

"I'll blast your FACE IN if you don't get OUT of my PERSONAL SPACE, EH!?" Nanoha barked, pushing the younger girl away from her. Then, pointing a finger at her, she added, "And DON'T call me Nanoha-SAMA! Only Fate can call me Nanoha-sama 'cause she's hot, she's got a sexy ass, and she's gonna be seein' more than stars and lightning when I'm through with you little shits! So if you want to be the best goddamned badass, you'd be wise to get that worthless ass in gear PRONTO, you dumbass YOU! Do I make MYSELF CLEAR?!"

The young'in smartly saluted her superior. "Ma'am, yes ma'am! I will forever be clear to your demand!"

"THEN GO!"

"YOSHA! Then may your flames of youth transpire to transcend the three tiers to the top of the world, taking in triumph the tediously hidden token of Fate's treasure trove to tenacious-"

_**"OUT!"**_

And Nakajima left, blissfully unfazed by her mentor's angry red face and cantankerous change of demeanor.

When she was gone, Takamachi heaved a sigh of relief. She turned to Fate, who had quietly observed the conversation, and combed a hand through auburn locks—a nervous habit she had picked up over the years. "My apologies, Fate. Genya's runt was an unknown variable to our midnight tryst. I should've been more aware of what was going on around us."

The blond chuckled. "No need to be at fault," she said huskily. "You've got the rest of the evening to think of all the ways you're going to rock my world. Be a dear and go do your thing." She pulled the instructor close, full breasts flushed against that lean, muscular back, and breathed into her ear: "I'll be waiting." A long, slow, sinuous drag of her tongue up the shell of the ear and a gentle push sent Nanoha on her way, the results of a massive nosebleed marking a path on the hallway floor.

As of that moment, Nanoha Takamachi was the luckiest bitch in Mid-Childa. A smirking Nanoha meant a lucky Nanoha ready to score the three-point shot in the game.

And Shari, who watched the entire scene unfold before her very eyes, summarized her thoughts aloud in an incredulous voice:

"WHAT THE SHIT TACO JUST HAPPENED?!"


	2. PART TWO!

_A/N: __To get a general idea of what the song in the second half sounds like, look up "Fallout 3 Point Lookout - The Dark Heart of Blackhall part2" by orcidea on YouTube, and skip to 6:45._

* * *

**PART TWO!**

Tonight, in Lieutenant Colonel Hayate Yagami's opinion, was going to be simply, splendiferously, fantastic. If a reader were to ask Miss Yagami why she was so exuberant on this quiet, cicada-infested evening, she would tell that lucky sumbitch that she was about to embark on a crusade of the holiest, awe-inspiring proportions.

Tonight, she was going to play the role of the silent voyeur. Tonight, she was going to watch two hot chicks bang ass and tap ass like a free pair of Nintendo Wii Donkey Kong Bongos selling like it was the steamiest, cinnamon-flavored OFF THE HOOK shit on the market. Doors locked, windows locked, blinds closed, lights dimmed (maybe a disco ball with coalescing multi-colored lights for effect), clothes off, and Kenny G's saxophone crooning an erotic love song to the tune of stimulated moans, whispered names, and inanimate objects whooping and hollering and placing bets on whose confidence would be BOOSTED TO THE MAX! first.

Tonight, she was going to share this special event with three males oblivious to the complex art of intimate girl-on-girl bonding.

And they were gonna catch it _aaaaallllll_ on tape.

_Awww yeeeaahhh._ Who wouldn't miss that, y'know what I'm sayin'?

Well hell, NO ONE in their RIGHT MIND was gonna miss it. Not on Hayate's watch! Those guys were going to get a dose of what Starbucks was _really made of_ if their check bounced on over a second late!

But I digress.

She was packing away the various materials needed for the epic journey she was about to partake in half an hour's time. Four sets of camcorders, a digital video camera with memory card installed, Energizer-brand batteries ('cause that Bunny gon' keep bangin' ON AND ON AND ON like there ain't no tomorrow), a tiny drill with a spiral pattern (**YOUR DRILL IS THE DRILL THAT WILL PIERCE THE HEAVENS!** it exclaimed), a Gate Key, and trusty hot dog bun. Oh! and tissues; cannot forget the miraculous wonders of downy comfort and blood loss prevention!

Amidst depositing these items, the Lieutenant Colonel was singing aloud a cheerful yet disturbing ditty of pedophile inclination, but that didn't bother her in the least bit. A free access was a free access, and the more she sang the more excited she was to get the walls talkin' and the mattress rockin'. _Awww yeeeaahhh._

But anyway, the song was cheerful yet disturbing, yes? Yeah. It was a great song, you see. It makes you think. Makes you question what's good and what's not. Makes you want to eat FRUIT and have a GET-TOGETHER, because it's a thing you want to be commended for and remembered for the outstanding performance on that Health exam you almost flunked because you were wondering how Plug A would fit into Slot B, when in actuality Plug A was two sizes too small. And the window about to break from the straining vocal chords would agree, too. AND, just for the record, it wants you to know this song, this cheerful yet disturbing ditty of pedophile inclination:

"Loo-loo-loo, I got some apples.  
Loo-loo-loo, you got some, too.  
Loo-loo-loo, let's get together  
And have a loo-loo-loo!"

If you know where that song's from, you're awesome. If you don't, that's okay, 'cause you're still awesome, and that's what makes us AWESOME. Very AWESOME.

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:D Awesome Face! :D

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Moving along.

There came a knock on the door. Hayate looked up as she slammed the suitcase, positively beaming as she called out, "Come in!"

The portal opened with a _creak_, and sure enough there were Vice and Griffith and Zafira and Chrono (who sported a studded collar and leash _(don't ask)_ and a bloodied swath of bandages wrapped 'bout his head) standing at the entrance.

Vice waved to his superior. "Osu, Lieutenant-Colonel! I hope we are not too late."

Hayate clapped merrily. "Nope, you're right on time! I've got everything set and I'm rarin' to go! How 'bout you?"

"I wanna see the girlies bump uglies!" exclaimed Lowran.

"Hmmm," hummed the guardian beast. "I would want to see all sorts of positions derived by names taken from the animal kingdom. Yeesss."

"Me? I just want to see the whooole thang," the helicopter pilot drawled, then added with a casual flair, "And then I'll watch it on tape with my pals so we can get off on it and not feel bad the next day!"

"I DON'T WANT TO SEE SHIT!" the good Admiral Harlaown protested angrily. "RELEASE THIS CONTRAPTION AT ONCE—!" He reached up and touched the collar, only to be shocked by a fluctuating field of electricity. _"BRRRRZZZZTRRRRZZZZSRRRRZZZRRRRRZZZZBRRRRTZZZDROCTAGONAPUSFRRRRAAAWWWWGGG!"_

Vice laughed and slapped the elder man's ashen back. "Nice try, Admiral, but these things're fool-proof! Can't do nothin' wrong with turkey-manufactured slave devices!"

"…Motherfroggin' bastard!" was his grumbled curse.

"I love them, too, you son of a bitch!" the younger replied good-naturedly.

"Mistress, is there anything else you would like to bring before we part?" asked Zafira.

Yagami tapped a finger to her chin, nodding. "Ho-hum, that I do! I've a bunch of flood-lights and microphones in the closet." She gestured to a door at the back. The Knight and Griffith Lowran ventured inside, leaving Vice outside to dust off Chrono's uniform. "Don't mind the clutter when you open it. It's just my usual crap; no worries!"

As they emptied the space of its metallic occupants, Griffith uncovered a stack of magazines. His eyes widened as he sorted through them and eyed their covers. "_A Home Owner's Guide to Seducing Lolis_. _The Art of Erojutsu_. _How to Swindle Your Co-Workers Out of Their Paychecks (And Make Them Think They're Still Getting That Raise)_. _Much Ado About Yo Mama_." A heavy blush settled upon looking at the next mag. "_Bukakke Extreme_?! What the fuck—?!" To Zafira, he said incredulously, "Oh my god, just WHO the hell are we dealing with?"

The beast's reply was simple: "I don't know and I don't intend to care…except that." He bent down and retrieved a book from the floor. He flipped through the pages, then grinned toothily at its contents. "Hmmm, animal porn."

Griffith's skin turned a sickly pallor.

"What's takin' you niggas so long?" Hayate called to the pair, arms akimbo and foot tapping impatiently. "Hurry up! And Zafira, put that book away; for Gods' sake, man, you're neutered!" The Guardian Beast swore under his breath and tossed the object over his shoulder, resuming the task of gathering his Mistress' equipment.

Chrono Harlaown scoffed. "This is ridiculous! What you're doing is an invasion of privacy between two lovers! Are you THAT desperate to get your package stimulated? I mean, come on! Would YOU like it if someone like, I don't know, Subaru, walked in while you were masturbating?"

"Do you seriously want me to answer that?"

"Do any of your preventive measures not involve corporal punishment and psychological scarring?"

"I'm afraid not."

"Well goddamn it," he said, and snapped his fingers. "I'm plenty fucked, aren't I?"

"Yeah, you are. But it's not so bad. 'S long as you stay quiet, the ride's as smooth as any."

"This feels more like a roller coaster than a ride through the Tunnel of Love." Chrono shook his head, grimacing. "This is sick. Just the thought of watching Fate…and Nanoha…doing _this_ and _that_ to each other and…ugh, I want to puke!"

"Oh, you'll feel sick, alright," Hayate said, patting him on the shoulder. "It just won't be coming out of your mouth."

"I hate you," he groaned. "I hate you so very, very much."

"And I you!" She grabbed the leash and yanked on it. "Let's go, bitch."

* * *

LIGHTS.

_CAMERAS._

_**ACTION.**_

Fade in.

A view of a room. Very spacious. More luxurious than you'd see in canon. More than what Ikea and Macy's and whatever big-ass corporation can offer. Spartan all the way, baby.

It's quiet. The computers are off. The windows closed. The blinds shut. The door locked. Oh look, the bed's made. And the cameras that are not-so hidden but are hidden anyway are turned on. The remote's on the counter, waiting to be touched. Waiting for the red button labeled RECORD to be pressed.

Not yet.

_Not yet._

Wait! Enter Fate Testarossa Harlaown, the Ace Enforcer. The Lightning Mage. The object of every fanboy and fangirl's wet dream. Long blonde hair. Deep red eyes. Caramel tan skin. Wearing an oversized men's polo shirt and matching set of velvet lingerie. No pants. Just showin' off them long, toned legs.

Oh baby. Yeah. Strut that stuff on the catwalk. Yeah, on the catwalk. Doing 'em turns on the catwalk, on the catwalk.

She proceeds from stage right, shaking that ass across the room. The carpet mutes her gait every step of the way. Left, right. Left, right. Left, right. Left, right. Left, right. Stop. Turn around. Turn on the stereo.

_**Click.**_

"_Keep your head right up with me, let's go.  
__Keep your ears up and listen to me, let go.  
__Keep your head right up with me, let's go.  
__Keep your ears up and listen to me, let go.  
__Keep your head right up with me, let's go.  
__Keep your ears up and listen to me, let go.  
__Keep your head up right with me, let's go.  
__Keep your ears and listen to me, let go.  
__I still got that naughty booty.  
__I still got that heat. (Say what?)  
__I am still such a cutie.  
__Just move to the beat. (Come on.)"_

The song blasts suddenly through the speakers, and its bass thumps madly against the mesh covering like an erratic heart. The walls shake, the queen-sized bed jumps, and various knick-knacks rattle and fall over – including an innocent smoke bomb that drops from the bureau. It hits the floor and spills its contents, coating the floor with a vaporous fog.

Fate snaps her fingers, a clear, crisp sound of epic nerdgasm. The room darkens. Directly above her a panel from the ceiling slides open and brings down a crystal disco ball. Multicolored lights blink on and the sphere starts to spin, tossing reds and oranges and all sorts of Technicolor shit in a psychedelic merry-go-round.

Without looking Harlaown reaches an arm out behind her where a round table-top is holding up an alarm clock. Lacquered nails touch a familiar surface, gold and triangular and polished like the bling decked on famous rappers. "Bardiche. Establish open connection with Raging Heart."

The Intelligent Device blinks once. "('AITE, DAWG. BUSTIN' ASS …. ASS BUSTED. RAGIN' HAWT, THIS BE YO' DADDY. WHAT CAN BROWN DO FO' YA?)"

A holographic window opens with the awesome powers of Hammerspace, revealing a black screen with the words **AUDIO ONLY BITCHES** on it. Raging Heart's voice comes through. "(GOOD EVENING, BARDICHE, FATE. I AM PRIME. HOW MAY I SERVE YOU?)"

"Raging Heart, I need you to patch me through to Nanoha," Fate tells the red pearl. "Is she available?"

"(SHE IS MOST BUSY WITH THE MAGGO—AHERM, _THE STUDENTS_. HOW URGENT IS IT?)"

"So urgent I'd go to Asterea Hill, sex up all them girlies young an' old as my personal harem, pledge my love for 'em on the day of electing a new Etoile, then dump 'em Jason Mesnick style by coming out as a straight girl and tailgating their deflowered asses on the curb. Isn't that something I'd do, Bardiche?"

"(DAMN STRAIGHT!)"

"So could you please let me speak to Nanoha?" Fate prods coyly, twirling a blonde lock around her finger. "My urgency is very urgent."

"(WELL, OKAY. DIRECTING PRIMARY ROUTINE TO LINKER CORE. CONNECTING ….)" A Nintendo Wii loading symbol pops on the center of the screen.

Bardiche winks up at Fate, his yellow light pimpin' hardcore like Mexican jumpin' beans. "(Y'ALL GONNA BE JUMPIN' ON THE ENERGIZER BUNNY TONIGHT? I CAN GIVE YA TWO'S A LI'L SOMETHIN'-SOMETHIN' IF IT AIN'T PUMPIN' AND HUMPIN' LIKE A SWEET RAVE PAH-TEE, MMHMMM!)"

Fate laughs and tosses her wild mane back. "Oh, Bardiche, you're so funny! You're not human, remember? I wouldn't open my hatch for you even if you were a ferret." As an afterthought she frowned displeasingly and added, "I hate ferrets. Especially ones with blonde fur and green eyes. They should be killed and made into toilet paper."

"(ALL DA MO' REASON TO HATE THE L'IL BASTARDS, 'AITE?)"

"That's why I'm still an official member of the Intergalactic Ferret Hunting Club. Speaking of which, I have to renew my subscription for _Big Muthafuckin' Guns Monthly_. Can't go shootin' up the varmints without some major slug power in my cache."

"(NIGGA, PLEASE! YA'LL GOTS TA BOUNCE YO' CHECK FIRST BEFO' YA'LL GOES CAHPET-HUNTIN' FO' THE CAP 'N PACK, KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'!)"

"Ah, that's right! I forgot all about cashing in that HUGE AMOUNT OF MONEY nobody else can earn in their lifetimes but the most badass of badasses! Thanks for reminding me, Bardiche!"

"(WHY'S MY BITCH GOTTA BE AN AIRHEAD?)"

"Say what?" asks Fate.

"(WHAT ABOUT WHAT?)" asks Bardiche to Fate, playing the innocent card.

"(CONNECTION ESTABLISHED,)" Raging Heart answers, the spinning Wii icon replaced by a majestic view of Nanoha Takamachi's bombastically large chest. In a nonplussed tone the Device added, "(SPIN IT QUICK, YOU TACO-STUFFING BUTT-MUNCHERS.)" The camera view toggles from side to side for a moment. Then it slides upward and back to reveal the handsomely dashing visage of the White Devil. She offers Fate a roguish smile. "Hey there, sexy."

"Hello, beautiful," says Fate duskily.

"You look positively ravishing tonight," says Nanoha drawlingly, stroking her chin. "I wish I was there with you."

"I know, hon. If I could pass the time I'd fuck a carbon copy of myself, but alas there is no technology that's legal enough to satiate my guzzler. What a shame!" Fate stares forlornly at her velvet-clad Snatchmo, wishing she could subpoena her gag order and treat her judicial system to some legislative justice.

(And somewhere in the Lost Land of Dinosaurs and Alhazred a sleeping blonde-haired child screams with rage and jealousy, while a dark-haired mistress of the night clams her up by tossing an empty bottle of Arcadia Merlot her way and resumes playing strip poker with a Big Daddy, a Rabbid, and Domo-kun.)

"Business slow today?" asks Nanoha lightly, hoping to divert her lover from her plight.

Fate rolls her eyes. "_Very_. By the Nine, Nanoha, you could have the Road Runner, Captain Falcon and Chuck Norris compete in a race to see who'd run around the world ten times first and Chuck Norris _would still_ win because he doesn't _have to move_; the world runs around _him_."

"That bad, eh?"

"I miss you, Nanoha!" Fate cries, clasping her hands to her ample bust. Love-Love sparkles and _moe_ glitter replace the acid trip playing in the background. "Ditch those zeroes and be my hero! I can't take another minute, no, _a second_, without you! PLEASE! I'll even let you shackle me upside-down and knock me senseless like Rocky Balboa does to the pork and beef in the meat locker!"

"As very enticing as it sounds, I can't leave until those twinkies clock in their training hours. We've still got another half-hour before we're through for the night."

"Can't you do anything about it?!"

"Can an elephant fuck a pig? I have to get permission from that cracker Chrono before I can even THINK of giving you the Rocky Road! It fucking SUCKS!"

"Fuck, girl, I know! And I love the Rocky Road! Your fingers can take me all the way to Michigan and back!"

"Because that's where hell is, right?"

"It's even at Arizona and California and the Cayman Islands _AND_ Norway!"

Nanoha nodded. "So Norwegians are from hell. I can see why Ragnarok hasn't happened yet; it's frozen over like a witch's tit."

"Thank God we have Norwegians!" exclaims Fate.

"(PRAISE JESUS!)" Bardiche exalts loudly.

"Now if only the Gods can get me out of this bind," says Nanoha, tapping a finger to her forehead. "Then I'll be very thankful. I need the extra leverage."

"Ooh baby, I can give you that leverage," Fate growls flirtatiously. "Just come on over and I'll make you wish you never want to be out of a bind ever again."

"Hah! I'd like to see you try—"

_KA-BANG!_ A sudden explosion rocks the holoscreen's camera view. Immediately following that is a furious screech from one Teana Lanstar: _"SUBARU, YOU GODDAMN RETARD!"_

Nanoha claps a hand to her face and groans. "Oh, _fuck ME_. Why does this shit _ALWAYS_ have to happen to me? _God DAMMIT_…."

"You know you don't have to check up on them," says Fate gently. "They're adults, see. What they do is none of our business. Why, just the other day I saw Miss Lanstar shoot herself up with steroids and shank an innocent man with a meat cleaver for no apparent reason! I didn't care if the man bled to death or not. All that mattered was that I didn't throw a major hoopla over it, and you shouldn't either."

"But this is _Subaru_ we're talking about, not my closet psycho of a student!"

"Hmm, you're right," Fate shrugs nonchalantly. "This is, indeed, a problem of epic proportions."

"What should I do?"

"(LET'S GO AND BEFRIEND HER,)" Raging Heart chimes in helpfully.

Nanoha glared at the Device. "Mid-Childa to Raging Heart, I CAN'T. I'm wearing a _fucking_ ability limiter."

"(BUT I WANT TO MAKE A NEW FRIEND.)"

"Fuck, Raging Heart, I said _NO_-!"

"(PUH-LEEEEAAAAASE!)"

"Did I fucking stutter?!"

"Just go check it out," Fate quickly interjects, pressing her chest against the bottom of the holoscreen. "The target was probably too fast for her to dodge."

"Oh I'll make a target out of her. I'll make her into a fucking _BULLS-EYE_."

"Five minutes isn't going to hurt. Go see what's wrong, Nanoha. I'll be waiting right here when you head back."

"No, Fate! Don't leave! A-At least take your top off! Hell, maybe even your panties, or both!"

"Have fun with the runts," Fate says sweetly, and with a click the window folds in on itself and disappears.

Nanoha reaches out a hand, only to grasp the empty air. "Dammit, Fate! COME ON! What sort of person keeps her loved ones waiting without a ray of hope?!"

"(GEORGE W. BUSH,)" answers Raging Heart.

"Aw horseshit…" The White Devil shakes her head in irrevocable defeat. "C'mon, Raging Heart. Initiate Axel Fin."

"(HENSHIN'S A GO-GO BABY. AXEL FIN START.)"

They touch down on the street where Stars and Lightning Squads are convened. Off to one side are the remains of a Gadget Drone hanging in and out of a hole blown in the simulated wall; and at the center of the encroaching mess is our one and only protagonist, Subaru motherfuckin' Nakajima.

She appears to be unconscious...

"ALRIGHT, YOU GREEN-BLOODED FAGGOTS!" yells Nanoha Takamachi to her motley crew of yandere, the summoner, and the midget boy wonder. "You either have shit in your pants or you have no fucking clue how you go about resuscitating a person who shouldn't have been born in the first place. What the fuck are you knickers and hobknockers standing around for? Better yet, what the fuck just happened?"

"Ah, Captain Takamachi!" Elio Mondial says to the Devil in White smartly. "Subaru got injured by that stray Drone!"

"I'm not blind, Ass-for-brains! Do I have to go ethnic on you?!"

"N-No, ma'am." The young mage stammers, flinching at the nasty gaze sent his way. "Please don't get ethnic on me…!"

"From I what saw she wasn't looking where she was going," pipes in Caro Ru Lushe, "but I was on the other side of Wing Road when the explosion occurred, so I can't rightly tell you so." Her little dragon, Fried, chirps agreement.

Nanoha whirls on her like an eddy from Hades, twin indigo orbs blazing demonic red. "I'm not stupid, ya freakin' Powerpuff! Of course Subaru wouldn't know where she was looking! She can't even find her way out of a fucking Powerball machine!"

Ru Lushe grimaces. "F-Forgive me, Captain Nanoha."

"_THAT MORON_ over there had to have been delivered ass-end first because she wasn't paying any fucking attention whatsoever!" the surviving member of the Lanstar clan rages, her face warped with wrath.

Nanoha melodramatically claps a hand to her chest. "Another woman after my own heart. Tell me, Teana, what in Gods' names was this spawn of Loki doing fooling about in the middle of practice?"

"You mean more like jumping around and trying to prevent me from reviving the Lanstar bloodline! That dildo was prancing and hopping and skipping like she had fucking crabs in her pants, spouting nonsense 'bout some stupid fucking bird being the stupid fucking word!"

"The word of what?" asks Nanoha disinterestedly.

"How the fuck should I know?! I'm so pissed off right now!" Teana growls and exchanges paranoid glances left and right. "My blood is boiling, screaming for death and mayhem! I need to stab something! Stabstabstabstabstab…!"

"Tea!" cries a concerned Caro.

"You forgot to take your medication again, didn't you?!" Elio all but shouts waveringly in the face of the redheaded devil.

"DON'T MAKE ME CUT YOU UP!" Teana screams, pulling a rusty meat cleaver from the vast vestiges of nowhere. The two children cling to each other, Elio Mondial letting rip a girlish shriek of fright. "GODS ABOVE, DON'T MAKE ME CUT YOU UP! YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH ME!"

"Save that Higurashi shit for when you really need it," Nanoha says to the rookie. "Did any of you check up on Subaru?"

"Yes, we have," answers Caro. "She's suffered some minor scrapes and bruises, but other than that she's fine. There's just one problem."

_Son of a bitch!_ "What's that?"

"One of us has to give her CPR."

_Aw HELL NO!_ "So? Can't you do it?"

"I haven't gotten to that part in Health class yet!" Caro whines. "And Elio… well, if Elio does it the Anti-Shouta League will bust his hump and charge him with statutory rape."

"He's only fucking eleven!"

"I know, I know, but the Anti-Shouta League is a strict bastard child of corporate justice! He'll be dropping soap for the rest of his life!"

"Oh for the love of Kirisame Marisa, doesn't anyone know how to do ANYTHING?!"

"What about you, Captain?" Caro presses. "Can't you do it?"

Nanoha sputters and laughs, shaking her head and holding her hands up in a placating manner. "No no no no _no_! I ain't touching those lips. Fuck, kid, I have Fate. Do I look like a two-timer to you?"

"As a matter of fact, yes!"

"That's a damn shame." Nanoha sighed. "Well then if I can't do it, and you can't do it, and Elio sure as hell can't do it," she spares a look over her shoulder, "then that leaves you, Tea. We'll miss you." She ends the sentence with a barely stifled snicker.

Teana gives a contemptuous snort. "Oh, go suck a pair. I don't like this girl any more than you do. And besides, if we leave her here Lieutenant-Colonel Yagami will have our asses bouncing all the way to Compton."

"Hey, don't forget if you fuck this up you'll have to deal with Genya and Ginga breathing dragonfire and sulfur down your neck, so don't come crying to me if this whole shit happens to blows up in your face." And suddenly, for little to no apparent reason, Nanoha and the rookie mages feel a Gatorade-cool rush of foreshadowing… or maybe someone passed silent gas, but who the fuck cares? "Now spruce that snake's den of yours with a li'l bit of that Orbit Mist and pucker up. We don't have all night… unless you want it to be, hehehe!"

"Like I said, go suck off," the younger girl reiterates, flashing her instructor the one-finger salute. "And for Gods' sake, DON'T tape this on your Nokia and post it on YouTube! I don't wanna be made a web sensation along the likes of the Angry German Kid and that DAMN dramatic gopher!"

"Sure, sure, just go do your thing! I've got a woman to pleasure!"

"And I've got to get as far away from you, you crazy bitch!" Elio retorts, only to receive an elbow to the gut by Caro.

This time around Teana gives a huff. "Whatever." She turns away and stalks up to Subaru's inert form, arms and legs spread-eagled on the blacktop. Her head is straight on the ground, a blank expression on her face imitating the lull of slumber.

All is quiet on the street.

Nothing stirs. Not even the Old Gods that lurk in the darkest depths of the sea that no one has a fucking clue about.

Elio and Caro watch with anticipation and an inkling of trepidation. Fried chirruped anxiously.

Raging Heart hums Yuko Goto's 'Koi no Mikuru Densetsu' while Nanoha flips open the Nokia and records the unfolding event.

Teana kneels down and sucks in a deep breath. She grimaces. Hands clench and unclench as they scratch at loose gravel. Behind her the White Devil lets slip an innocent giggle. "Alright," an abrupt sigh, "here I go. Can't believe I'm actually gonna do this. Might as well get this over with…." Steeling herself, she inches forward ho—

_Birdbirdbird._

_What the fuck?_ Teana blinks. Where the hell did that come from? _Must be the wind._ Shrugging, she continues on her path—

_Bah-bah-bah-birdbirdbird._

She frowns sourly. _Fucking Subaru and your fucking voice. Thanks to you I have that fucking song stuck in my head. I swear one of these days I'm gonna repay you ten times over._

"What's the matter, Tea?" Nanoha calls out tauntingly. "Making chickenshit in your pants?"

"I'm gettin' there! Keep your panties on!" _Persistent old hag! She should be the one on her knees ready to eat face, not me!_ Her nostrils flare. _Fuck this, I'm gonna jackknife into that girl's mouth like morning wood to the stomach. I don't care who's watching; Nanoha, Hayate, and all those other motherfuckers getting a sick thrill off this can kiss my skinny white ass!_ And she didn't even have to say 'Believe it!' for emphasis. Thus does Teana Lanstar quash her pride and brace for the worst, squeezing her eyes shut and leaning toward those luscious lips—

"PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-  
PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-PA-OOMA-MOW-MOW  
PAPA-OOMA-MOW-MOW!"

Before Miss Lanstar here has any chance to realize the MP3's kicked on, two arms wrap round the back of her head and pulls her down, right onto Subaru's unsuspecting mouth. Her irises shoot wide open, a deep, furious blush staining her cheeks. Behind her, Elio and Caro gasp and Nanoha chokes out a raucous bark of laughter.

The girl's blood pressure skyrockets, a kettle's hiss growing steadily louder in her head. _That… that… bitch…! I'm gonna… I'm gonna…!_

_SNAP!_

Pan to an overview of the simulated city and the bright white moon. A loud, piercing shriek pierces the night, and then—_BOOM!_ A cloud of dust, gravel, debris, data, and a random kitty-cat blasts into the twilight sky.

"_I'M GONNA DESTROY YOU, SUBARU FUCKING NAKAJIMA!"_ the red-haired devil screeches at the runaway Striker. _"YOU AND YOUR SURFIN' BIRD ARE SO. DAMN. DEAD!"_

"AND I'VE NEVER FELT MORE ALIVE!" the youngest Nakajima whoops, throwing her arms into the air. "BIRDBIRDBIRD! BIRD IS THE WORD! BAH-BAH-BAH-BIRDBIRDBIRD! BIRD IS THE WORD!"

"_GET BACK HERE AND DIE, YOU FLOPPY DICK!"_ With her rusty meat cleaver out in one hand and a fully loaded Cross Mirage in the other, Teana kicks into the high gear. Subaru laughs and hollers in between shouting the lyrics. Then the pair disappears down a side street, and the only noises heard are The Trashmen's 'Surfin' Bird' and Nanoha's hysterical cackling.

"DAAAAYUUUUUM! That was great! You guys are so fucking stupid!" The instructor dashes away the tears from her face. "Awww man, I _SO_ gotta upload this; Youtube, Veoh, Dailymotion, Nico Nico Douga, Newgrounds, the world over! Ahhh, but would you look at the time; I gotta give Fate an emission test and you little bastards gotta rest for tomorrow's mock battle." She dismisses a wave at Elio and Caro. "Go on, get the fuck outta here. I'm gonna go do stuff to your mom." And with that said, Nanoha Takamachi turns around and walks away with hella swag, leaving the two kids to stare incredulously at her retreating back and one helluva goose chase going on right behind them.


	3. PART THREE!

**PART THREE!**

"Shit happens on a daily basis. It happens even more when you're directly involved in it. And cleaning up shit is a very messy job. It's gonna happen."  
- (The) Grand Phoenix, _Vol. Gajillion-Babillion-Mamillion: On the Mannerisms of Every Fucking Thing You Can Think Of_

* * *

At Central Command, the recreation center was in an uproar; that is, if you can call three people trying to breakdance to an Earth song an uproar.

Of all the amenities situated in the room – air hockey boards, four separate Dance Dance Revolution cabinets, a dozen Capcom/SNK/Sammy/Tecmo fighting game cabinets, a fake Russian Roulette board that shot blank cartridges (OR ARE THEY?!) at the unlucky shmuck, and miscellaneous whatnots taking up space – the fuckin' cool super-jawsome plasma TV screen was given full, undivided attention. In the cabinet below it was a DVD player, and the two amplified speakers next to it were blasting with bass and a sort of Hispanic language shot straight to hell.

On the screen a man in a jogging suit was flapping his hands this way and that way like a disk jockey scratches the vinyl on antique records and getting a face full of crotch 'n' booty from the scantily clad women he was dancing with. Lucino and Alto were sparing glances between watching the music video, the contents of the CD album booklet, and Shari making an absolute ass of herself in front of the TV. Shari, at the moment, was doing something akin to The Running Man, the Pelvic Thrust, and the Top Rock, her feet bouncing on the cardboard the three women had pulled from the back storage closet. Really, if you had a front-row seat to Shario Finieno, you'd wonder if she'd misplace her cell phone in her skivvies or was having a fucking rave on that beach ball of a booty.

…Yeah, it's that big. So big that one cheek falls and the other rises. Like the Lord of the Rings. Only Mount Doom falls in with Golem when Chuck Norris arrives from the other end of the universal spectrum and gives a hearty cry of "WHOOPWHOOPWHOOPWHOOP!" and everything explodes into rainbow fucking glitter.

But anyway, Shari's breakdancing, and Lucino and Alto aren't even paying attention. But that's okay, we love Shari all the same. Even if she has horrible footwork.

"So let me get this straight," Lucino began, skimming through the booklet. "You're telling me that this song doesn't have any Spanish, whatsoever?"

"Well, you see, the song is sort of like onomatopoeia foreplay for the tongue," said Alto. "You roll it around a little; get the taste of it on the roof of your mouth, bite down a tad with your teeth. Then once you have it softened up, you start to chew and chew, at which point your jaw will start to smart from the continuous motion and you wish you could just swallow it and let your stomach acids do away with it. But sooner or later you're going to want to spit it out, even though part of you still wants to keep on mashing it to mush until it's nigh unrecognizable. It changes us, molds us, and shapes us into a different person."

"So this is why today's music corrupts our youth!" Lucino concluded with a gasp. "The shootings, the degradation of women, the absurd amounts of sexual content; it's preposterous!"

"It's the same the world over when you look at it. Music doesn't result in violence, but violence happens nonetheless. You've got cartoons, comics, movies and whatnot that piss people off. Even a simple Yukkuri can inspire the kindest artist to pick up his pen or mouse and depict images of unthinkable harm in the form of the aptly named _guro_."

"And all they ever do is take it easy!"

"That's right, but taking it easy can often lead to untold consequences."

Lucino sniffed and dabbed at her eyes with a kerchief. "Nothing in life is free, is it?"

Alto smiled ruefully and pat the other girl's shoulder. "Nothing except chewing gum under the table and loose change on the floor of your local pizzeria."

"Oh, the shame!" Lucino cried. "The shame!"

"The only shame I feel is not having two pairs of eyes staring at the back of my head!" Shari quipped as she finished a half-assed windmill. "C'mon, you guys! I'm not pulling shit out of my ass for nothing! You're supposed to be watching and learning!"

"We don't wanna watch and learn anymore," said Alto. "You suck."

Shari gasped melodramatically. "_I_ suck? Well, let's see you do better! Get yer ass up here and show me YOUR MOVES! Not your boobs, your goddamn, motherfuckin' MOVES!"

"Oh, I'll show you, alright," Alto countered, rising from her seat. "I'll show you _how much_ I can _serve_."

"Serve what? You've got nothin' on me!"

"Respect, baby girl," Alto said smoothly. "I got respect. You, well," she giggled, "there's not much you _can_ serve with." She gestured at Shari's slim, flat-chested body. Lucino laughed and bumped fists with her.

Shari shoved at her. "Shut up! I'm proud of what I have! I don't need fucking bazookas to bring all the boys to the yard! At least my bananas are bigger than your mosquito tits!"

"Mosquitoes, you say?!" Alto reiterated offensively. She turned on the bespectacled girl and started rolling up her sleeves. "Bitch, you did not just go there."

Shari jumped around, beckoning the helicopter pilot with flailing hands. "I did! I did! C'mon, motherfucker, c'mon! I ain't scared of you! Fight me!"

"Then throw the first punch, PUSSY!"

"Oh, it's on now!" Lucino cheered from the back. "IT'S ON!"

Ironically, all of this panned out while "Headstrong" by Trapt started to rock the hell out of the subwoofers. But none of them paid any attention to it. The Fight was on, and for Shari and Alto they NEVER BACK DOWN from a Fight.

* * *

Somewhere in the dimly lit chemistry chamber, a radio was playing:

"_I was gonna go to work, but then I got high.  
__I just got a new promotion, but then I got high.  
__(La da da da da da da da da)  
__Now I'm selling dope, and I know why (Why, man?), yeah-hey,  
_'_Cause I got high.  
_'_Cause I got high.  
_'_Cause I got high~"_

"You know I hate smoking this shit, right?" Signum asked Shamal, each holding a thickly rolled blunt in their hands. They lay on the cold, dirty floor, naked and blanketed in bubble-wrap and a fog of ganja.

Shamal nodded blearily. "I know, man. I know. This _shit…_is the _shit_. Shit builds and shit spreads. Shit be good and shit be bad." She waved her blunt hand in the air. "I…am a _PERSONAL_…BELIEVER…in shit."

"I'd much prefer knocking back shots of good ole Jack Daniels," said Signum mostly to herself. "It gives the throat a nice washing. I don't care what anybody says, I _love_ having alcohol breath. Tastes better than that Linoleum brand shit Hayate uses every goddamn morning."

"Shit…is my FAVORITE…WORD," Shamal enunciated, spittle flying from her lips.

"_I was gonna go to court, before I got high.  
__I was gonna pay my child support, but then I got high.  
__(La da da da da da da da da da)  
__They took my whole paycheck, and I know why (Why, man?), yeah-hey.  
_'_Cause I got high.  
_'_Cause I got high.  
_'_Cause I got high~"_

"I love it _soooo_ much…I…I," _hiccup!_ "I'm…goin'…to say 'shit'…over and over and OVER again!" Shamal took a long drag of the obviously certain death stick, held it, and blew the excess smoke from her nostrils. "I…I…I want you…to keep count, 'aite? Can you do that fer me?" She hacked violently into the bubble wrap.

Signum waved off the rank plumes and hit the bottle again. "Go for it. I've got nothin' better to do. Don't even need a fuckin' visual counter."

"Then get your SHIT together. I'm-a gonna start right now—"

"_I wasn't gonna run from the cops, but I was high.  
__I was gonna pull right over and stop, but I was high.  
__(La da da da da da da da da)  
__Now I am a paraplegic, and I know why (Why, man?), yeah-hey.  
_'_Cause I got high.  
_'_Cause I got high.  
_'_Cause I got high~"_

"That one doesn't count."

"The fuck you say?"

"I said, it doesn't count."

"Well, why the fuck not?"

"You need to save your breath. If you don't, you're going to tire yourself out."

"So…what should I do?"

"Take it from me: if you're gonna break the record for saying 'shit' one-hundred-sixty-two times, you'll need to wet your whistle. Here, have the last of my Jack Daniels."

"Hey, thanks, man. Y…Y…You're a…p…p…_PAL_." The doctor drained the contents, belched loudly, and flung the bottle across the room where it smashed to pieces against the far wall. "Are you…ready?"

"Whenever you are."

"Fuck yeah, I am! On a…on a count...of three. One…."

"Hey, I'm supposed to count—"

"Two…."

"Oh, what the fuck…."

"NINE! Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit…!"

* * *

Meanwhile, across the multiverse and removed from the space-time continuum, a gargantuan crack suddenly appeared in the realm of Oblivion…but only one definitive place.

A Dremora Valkynaz burst through the portal leading into the throne room. "Milord Dagon!" he cried in the warped, guttural voice atypical in Dremora. "Lord Dagon, a Great Gate has opened in the Deadlands!"

The massive four-armed giant, slouched on his dais made of human bone and muscle tissue, Argonian scale, Khajiiti fur, and the pelts of millions of tawny-colored ferrets, looked up from his magazine of _Big Mothafuckin' Swords Monthly_. "A Great Gate, you say?"

"Yes, Milord! I saw with my own two eyes!"

"Impossible! That manfool Martin sealed shut the way to Nirn forever! Not even I have the power to replicate the might of our lost Siege Crawler."

"I do not lie! At your behest, Lord Dagon, come with me and I shall show you!"

Mehrunes Dagon, the Daedric Prince of Destruction, heaved a great, heavy sigh. "Fine, then. I shall play along with your game, but if I learn your words are false, I shall decorate the seat of my throne with your skin and feed your innards to Scruffy."

The Dremora looked at him blandly, and then, in a voice devoid of demonic goodness, said,"That does not sound so horrible."

"Right where the cracks of my posterior should meet your face."

"Blood and ashes, Milord, you are indeed the cruelest bastard of them all!"

"I know it to be so. Now go, show me what needs to be shown. For every second you waste, the barrier to my back door grows a little weaker."

The Dremora Valkynaz was out the door before his master finished speaking.

He led the Daedra Prince to the location of the Great Gate, which was crowded by a plethora of gawking Xivilai, chattering Atronachs, bored Scamps, and listless Clannfears. When they spied their lord breaching the horizon, they took the liberty of giving him a mile long berth, which was useless to begin with because in less than a minute he had already come.

"Here it is, Milord!" the Dremora indicated. "Chance a peek and learn what you may find!"

"What, you did not go and investigate yourself?"

"Well, Sir, I thought it best to summon you for further inspection. After all, our numbers still need to replenish, what with those two Dunmer fighting amidst the realms…."

"POPPYCOCK!" Dagon's voice boomed, and the Deadlands which the gathering stood upon was torn asunder by an earthquake that would have been a definite ONE HUNDRED on the Richter scale. "I made you Valkynaz because you had stones! STONES, I TELL YOU! Why, I should pry those stones right out and offer them to Fluffy as chew toys!"

The Dremora screamed like a banshee. "N-N-N-N-Not Fluffy! Scruffy, yes, b-b-but not F-F-F-Fluffy! Have mercy, Milord! M-M-M-M-Mercy!"

"HERE IS YOUR MERCY!" Dagon said, and with a twitch of his big toe sent the officer flying. "The rest of you, move your sorry hides over! If a high-ranked grunt cannot perform the simplest of tasks, then I shall carry it MYSELF!" Combined with the terrible might of the following earthquake, Mehrunes Dagon stalked toward the suspiciously glowing Great Gate.

Without a moment's hesitation he plunged his head into the thick of it. To his surprise (though he would never outwardly express it to his minions), his noggin appeared literally among rumbling thunderheads. Lightning tines crisscrossed an angry grey horizon and burned nonsense arrows in the Prince's retinas. Hot, rank wind caressed his horned scalp and pulled even more super-cells to the center of a developing storm.

Dagon hummed thoughtfully. He lowered his neck and emerged above the most peculiar city he had ever lay eyes on. These were not the stone-cut castles of the Imperial City, nor were they the magnificent sandstone hamlets in way-out Morrowind. This place glittered like the Iliac Bay itself, a vast silver gem that was bathed in the light of dual moons. Except now, instead of that beautiful, iridescent entity, the city was cloaked in shadow…and foreboding.

The Daedra Prince snorted. What was he supposed to learn? That a storm was approaching? He could make worse than this; hell, he was the god of natural disasters. If he wanted to, he could flood this city with a snap of his fingers. Thunderstorms, such as the ones on Nirn, were diddly-squat compared to his awesome might. Not only that, he was Mehrunes motherfuckin' Dagon, and that, as the humans say, was a fact.

So, just as he was about to leave and beat the shit out of his troops, he caught a snatch of litany going in and out of both ears…or his horns, whatever you deem fit. Curious, he strained forward and listened to the increasingly loud chant.

"…_shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT__**SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!**_"

Suddenly, a great power began to stir within Mehrunes Dagon. It was radiant, hellishly warm, and unfathomable. He realized with growing masochistic glee that this was power he hadn't felt since Martin Septim gave his life to summon Akatosh and banish the God of Destruction back to this pungent slice of Oblivion. Power he hadn't had since the Battlespire Invasion during Jagar Tharn's reign.

…Power that he now held again in his own two hands!

Dagon flashed a sinister, maniac grin and laughed uproariously. "Yes…YES! It's mine! All mine! And I...I shall ruin this city BECAUSE I AM BACK AND READY TO KICK SOME MORTAL ASS! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!" Behind him thunder cracked and went off like a bomb, casting his devilish shadow over the city. Somewhere in the background, superimposed above the storm, ominous Latin chanting played:

"_Estuans interius  
__Ira vehement.  
__Estuans interius  
__Ira vehement.  
__SEPHIROTH!  
__SEPHIROTH!"_

* * *

_BY THE NINES! Not only is there a plot twist in this _**FUCKED UP**_ story, but that plot twist happens to come in the form of none other than MEHRUNES DAGON, THE DAEDRIC PRINCE OF DESTRUCTION! With Shamal inadvertently providing him strength through the power of _**SHIT** _and the StrikerS cast minding their business, it's only a matter of time before they realize the terrible doom that will strike at any moment!_

_Will Shamal break the record for saying _**SHIT** _the most times? Will Teana the closet(ed) psycho kick the _**SHIT**_ out of Subaru for violating her? Will Hayate and her friends catch some virgin _**ASS** _on film? And by the Gods, will Nanoha and Fate EVER get to _**DO IT**_?!_

_Find out in the stunning conclusion of "Have You Heard the Word!"_


	4. PART FOUR OF ONE!

_A/N: I would've added more to this, but I feel that would've made the chapter too winded. Hence, splitting the final chapter into two parts. I was never one for typing out incredibly long chapters, anyway, unless it's absolutely necessary._

* * *

**!NOISULCONC CPIE EHT**

**!ENO FO RUOF TRAP**

Subaru was covered in a sheen of sweat. She had been running for a good half-hour from Teana, whose billhook – not too long ago – almost succeeded in cutting the former's spine in two and not leaving tears in her Barrier Jacket. Tired and panting, she wanted nothing more than find a spot to rest and dream; after all, it wasn't everyday she got to cop a feel.

Being chased down the streets with an ax-crazy bitch at your heels was_ so_ worth it.

So when she saw an opening between two buildings, she picked up on a burst of speed and headed straight for it. She grabbed hold of the wall, swung herself into the alley, and hid in the shadows behind an inconspicuous dumpster.

There she waited, keeping still and quiet lest she be found. To her it seemed like an eternity was passing at a snail's pace, broken only by the brass drum beats of her heart assaulting her ears.

At last, just as she thought Teana had given up the hunt, there was a flash of red hair and white on black clothing. Subaru ducked at the last second, thankfully retaining her status as the member of Stars Squad stalked fully into view. She clapped both hands over her mouth…and listened.

"That bitch," Lanstar grumbled. Her billhook swung back and forth in a lazy pendulum. "Where is that stupid fuckin' bitch? She couldn't have gone far. I know _for sure_ she went this way. I swear, when I catch that girl I'm-a gonna put her through so much pain, so much suffering, it'll be worse than being chained to Satan's armpit in the Circles of Hell! And believe you me," she told herself in a crazed whisper, "ye don't want a whiff of ole Harry's underarm, heh heh, heh heh!"

_Oh dear Gods, don't let her find me!_ was Subaru's frantic thoughts. She was beginning to hyperventilate. _I don't know what I'd do if she does! M-Maybe she'll tackle me to the floor, go on Total Yandere Overkill Mode as my life's sucked from every pore of my body! Maybe I'm just a butterfly _thinking_ I'm a human about to be made someone's bitch! Whatever it is, I don't want it to happen!_

"…what will bring her out!"

_What? What's she planning? Who_– Subaru's heart rattled a dreadful dirge against her ribcage – _who's gonna move first?!_ Slowly, she poked her head around the corner.

"_Ahh, Cthulhu fhtagn!"_ Teana chanted. Her arms were raised above her head, eyes directed to a sky boiling over with ominous pink clouds. _"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"_

Subaru nearly shat bricks. What the hell was Tea thinking?! "DON'T DO IT!" the cyborg shrieked. She dashed out of hiding and tackled her partner as she was repeating the chant. "I'll let you have your way with me! Sub, Dom, Switch, Bitch, I'll be whatever you want me to be! Just stop CHANTING—_URK!_"

Teana's hand closed on her throat and with tremendous strength pushed Subaru on her back. The billhook's tip hovered centimeters from a quavering green iris. "How does being Cthulhu's sacrifice sound to you?" she barked, sending spittle flying from her lips.

"I don't wanna die!" Subaru sobbed, struggling against the girl's weight. "I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!"

"TOUGH SHIT, MOTHERFUCKER!" Teana poised the billhook. "Cthulhu waits!"

Subaru uttered an unintelligible scream that, if you took the time (read: centuries) to study, would translate to 'ohnohohohohoho!'

Suddenly, be it by flaw or design or some grand, cosmic fuck-up, it was not to be.

Thunder cracked like a colossal whip. Black spires veined with crimson streaks rent the earth asunder, toppling buildings and lampposts. Horseshoe-shaped arches emerged from the ruins, roaring with unholy fire. From these flames monsters appeared: bipedal dragons with spiked tails; spiders whose upper bodies were feminine and humanoid; dark-skinned demons covered head to toe in jagged armor; horned men in loincloths bearing wicked hammers and sharpened double-bladed axes. Then, as they poured into the streets, a behemoth of a man materialized behind them, four arms each holding a studded club and radiating waves of sulfur, brine, and smoke. In other words, _HERE COMES A CHALLENGER!_

"Bow your heads to the ground, manfools!" boomed the lean, mean brother from another mother. "MEHRUNES DAGON IS HERE!"

Subaru screamed. "Tea, look what've you done! You summoned the devil! Now he's going to bring upon Rapture and take us away!"

"That's Jesus, you idiot!" the redhead snapped. "And if this were Rapture, I'd bring every freakin' bone in your body before I let you join me in my transcendence!"

Subaru sniffled. "I didn't think stealing your first kiss would cause the end of the world. I was just foolin' around, Tea, I didn't mean any harm!"

"Too fucking bad!"

A massive foot glowing red and wreathed in flames boomed right next to them. They looked up, into the grinning, tattooed face of neither Jesus nor the Devil. Because he sure as fuck doesn't look like a monster with meatballs for tits and spaghetti noodles for eyes, does he?

Teana dropped the billhook. "That's bad," she said.

"That's really bad," added Subaru.

Mehrunes Dagon roared and lifted his foot. His voice undulated with demonic bloodlust.

They screamed, and just barely managed to roll out of the descending shadow.

* * *

Meanwhile, on the other side of the city, in a luxurious apartment complex, Hayate and her troupe had set up shop in the corridor outside Nanoha and Fate's bedroom…and they didn't have much time left to finish.

"No, no!" Hayate objected in a harsh whisper. "That's not right! I can see the lenses all the way from here! Vice, show our garden gnome how a plant's supposed to fucking look!"

"Right here, _compadre_," the sniper showed Zafira, placing and adjusting the greenery and dirt so it could cover the camera. "I left a little room so we can be close and personal to the action without actually _being_ there."

"Oh, what the hell!" Zafira groaned petulantly. "That's what I just did!"

"Maybe you don't have the magic touch like I do," Vice added slyly.

"Fucking bastard—!"

"Cut the shit, you two!" Hayate barked. "Griffith, how are those scarecrow topiaries looking?"

The technician was standing on his tiptoes, struggling to lop a wreath of plastic green leaves atop the spotlight. Bracing himself against the wall with his free hand, he made a little hop and tossed the piece where it successfully landed on the lamp's round frame. He rewarded his superior with two thumbs up. "Looking like a scarecrow should, Lieutenant-Colonel!"

Hayate pumped her fist. "YOSH! Now all that's left is—Hark! I hear footsteps! Everyone hide!"

Griffith yelped and stumbled behind the topiary. Zafira and Vice huddled together in the niche containing Mr. Ukki, a houseplant who was given that name by a retired one-eyed mage. Hayate ripped a potted plant from its roots and hopped inside.

Seconds later, Nanoha Takamachi strutted by like a flamingo, fixing her collar and teasing her hair. Yeah, on the catwalk. Doing them turns on the catwalk. On the catwalk. Yeah, on the catwalk. On the catwalk. Too sexy for her bad self, do them turns on the motherfudgin' catwalk.

…

…

…

…

…

…

…on the catwalk. Doin' them turns on the—

"SHUT UP, NARRATOR!" Hayate hissed.

Okay :(

…

…

…

…

…

…

(…on the catwalk :B)

Hayate withdrew a pair of binoculars. She uncapped the lens and pushed them through the leaves. If Nanoha had not been so focused trying to make her milkshakes look delicious enough to bring all the boys and girls and the lactose intolerant to the room, she would have noticed two glassy orange spheres tracking her every move.

"OHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGOD!" Griffith muttered excitedly under his breath. "It's happening! It's actually hap-pen-ning!" He covered his mouth and emitted a high-pitched squeal.

"Oh baby! It's getting' hot. In. Here!" Vice said, smirking. "Man, I gotta strip." He unzipped his trousers.

"Whoa there, tiger!" Zafira put a hand over the middle of the man's underpants. "Shit hasn't even started yet!"

"Yeah, bro, don't go bustin' a donkey nut!" said Hayate. "Plants need _water_ to thrive, not your gorilla juice!"

"Well excuse me, princess!" Vice scoffed. "I'm a man, and a man has needs—"

"Yeah, yeah, save the bullshit for Lifetime."

Chrono, who was hunkered down behind the scarecrow topiary, rubbed his face for the umpteenth time. "You're all a bunch of fucking idiots. Fucking. Idiots. I mean, if I'd known you'd all have the IQ of college frat boys, I would've never brought you into the Bureau."

"Too late for that, genius," Hayate grumbled, adjusting the zoom function.

"It's very obvious what I'd do. Zafira's easy, he just has to go to the vet. Vice…I don't know, maybe a gay bar or, or a women's retreat to teach him sensitivity; maybe listen to some Ralph Tresvant or whatever the hell his name is. But you, Hayate! I know exactly where I would ship you! I would ship you out to goddamn rehab!"

"And I'd say no, no, no!" She removed her eyes from the binocs and glared at him. "I get it, man. Now would you kindly shut the fuck up? You're gonna blow our cover!"

"I don't wanna be here!"

"Well tough shit. We're going to watch Nanoha bang your sister. While wearing a saddle. And possibly getting whiplash. But what does it matter? She'll be having the time of her life." She returned to the lens, unaware or ignoring the purpling of Chrono's face. The hands clenching tight and inching slowly for Hayate's neck. "Ah, she's going in!"

"Oh shit, she's closing the door!" Griffith squeaked.

"No no no, look!" Vice said, jabbing a finger. "Look, it's halfway open! We can still see!"

"But it's so dark in there!" said Zafira. "Wait." He leaned forward, squinted. "Are those disco lights?"

"Are they getting high?!" said Griffith, rising.

"Sit'cher ass down, boy!" Hayate snapped, pushing him right onto said ass. "Do you _want_ to be seen?"

"He has a point," Vice pointed out. "If there are lights in there, it's going to interfere with our equipment. We can't have that."

"Moving them around now would make too much noise," said Zafira, shifting uncomfortably on his haunches. "I don't want to get my ass kicked. If Arf finds out—"

"Where is Arf, anyway?" Griffith asked.

"She and Vita are on vacation," Hayate said, frowning thoughtfully. "I can't seem to remember where, though…."

* * *

Somewhere in the infinite vacuum of space-time, at a certain casino, music blasted from the overhead speakers:

_"Gas 'em up with the greens and let 'im go!  
__Stand back, stand clear, as he puts on a show!  
__So cute yet fierce, IS HE FROM HELL?!  
__I cannot tell, I DON'T EVEN WANNA KNOW!"_

"FLY, MOTHERFUCKER, FLY!" Vita cried, leaning full-tilt over the railing.

"YOU CAN DO IT!" shouted Arf, hands cupped before her mouth.

All around them the stadium was bursting at the seams with hundreds of thousands of people, and they gave voice to their frustrations and delight. Below them, a dozen chocobos raced around the curve of the grassy track. Feathers and clods of dirt were spurned from their talons as they made the turn and pelted head-on down the stretch.

"And we've now reach the final lap! Taking the lead by a beak is Goddamn Mute, followed by Break Yourself Upon My Body in second, followed by Feel the Strength of the Earth! In between fourth and fifth place, Make A Contract With Me and Please Insert Coin To Continue duke it out like my brother taking on the in-laws at the annual family panty raid! And taking up the rear at the five-hundred meter mark is Dirty Ridin', dogged persistently by Luigi's Death Stare!"

The herd came up to the next turn. Ridin' Dirty, a chocobo with spit-shine-clean purple plumage, tucked in his wings, bent his neck forward, and glided along the bend of the road. Suddenly he recoiled, as a sharp pain lit up his backside. The bird pitched, stumbled, and caught his balance.

But the damage was done. When he righted itself, Ridin' Dirty found himself staring into the cerulean eyes of a green chocobo. In its beak were a dozen feathers, but its stare was one of serious business. A stare that put the 'hole' in the 'holy shit, this fucker will cap me in the ass again if I stay upfront, so nuts to the prize money, nuts to the honeys at my breeding stall, I only live once!'

It would've pissed his owners off to no end if he could speak their language, but Dirty Ridin' was a bird who wanted to go through life with his ass intact so those aforementioned thoughts were condensed into a single bleated "WARK!" that didn't sound any different from the other noises chocobos like him made.

"And there goes Luigi's Death Stare, overtaking Ridin' Dirty!" declared the announcer.

Vita sputtered. "Death Stare?! My shit rolls harder than Mona Lisa's smile! Who the fuck comes up with these memes?!"

"He's not gonna make it, anyway!" said Arf. "Goddamn Mute's got this in the bag! And when it's in the bag, it means we're walking outta here like rich bitches on a one-day half-off sale at Macy's!"

"HELL YEAH! And Hayate ain't gettin' shit from me! Bitch is always buying random tomfuckery. Like hot dog buns and how-to books that shouldn't be in publication in the first place!" She paused. "How the hell did we get here, anyway?" she asked, seriously.

"Who cares?! It's rainin' MONEY!" Arf swept her arm out, and Vita watched as a black chocobo crossed the finish line in a blaze of glory.

Vita jumped in the air, whooping and hollering. "That's my nigga! Holla back'atcha girls!"

The bird jumped up and down, squawking, flapping its wings in sheer delight. The way his eyes squinted from the smile on its open beak would've put Jeff the Killer to shame.

* * *

Hayate shrugged. "Meh, it's probably boring as balls—_HURK!_" The binoculars fell from her hands and hit the floor. Behind her was Chrono, squeezing her neck as hard as he could.

"Whoa!" "Goddamn!" Zafira and Vice yelled simultaneously, the former backpedaling and landing on his ass.

"HOLY SHIT!" Griffith screamed, jumping out from his hiding place.

"Get the switch!" said Vice. "Grab the fucking switch!"

"Leggo, man! Let go!" said Zafira, clamping down on Chrono's shoulders.

"Fuck that, get the switch!"

"The Lieutenant-Colonel has it!" said Griffith.

"Fucking shit!"

Then, ringing loudly and clearly, "Who the fuck's making all that racket?!" The door slammed open against the wall, and there was Nanoha, dressed head to toe in dark, tight-fitting leather.

Everyone froze. Chrono took her in and noticed two things: one was the coiled whip hanging from her hip. The second was a saddle tucked under an arm.

_A fucking horse saddle._

Nanoha's eyes flew open, surprised. "What are you guys doing here?!"

"Oh shit," Griffith said in a tiny voice, and he, Zafira, and Vice shrank away from her. Chrono glared and didn't let go of Hayate, who was feebly reaching out for her.

"Nanoha! What's going on?" Fate leaned around the threshold, naked and dangling a ball gag between her fingers. "C'mon already, let's ride—Chrono! Oh my God!" She quickly retreated behind the door. "G-Get the fuck outta here!"

Chrono's grip loosened, and Hayate gasped mightily as precious air filled her starving lungs. "Fate! This isn't what it looks like, but I'm choking my subordinate half to death in a hallway where the security cameras are rolling and capturing every word and action for a _very. Good. Reason._" To emphasize his point, he put Hayate in a choke hold and pressed his arm against her neck.

"Nano_BLARGH!_" she croaked. Her face was turning a not so particularly healthy shade of blue.

"Don't forget us!" Vice chirped, waving excitedly.

"Oh great, it's the merry band of dumbasses: Neutered, Impotent, and Incompetent!"

"I am NOT incompetent!" Griffith whined, stamping his foot.

"Yeah, where do you get off saying I'm not capable?" Vice complained, hands akimbo to his hips.

"Uh, that's not what 'impotent' means," Zafira said.

"Your nickname's just as bad!"

"Is that recording equipment?" Fate asked, peering at the potted plants and topiaries.

The saddle jangled and clunked as Nanoha turned and regarded them closely. "By Marisa, you're right! Those are studio cameras!"

Vice's eyes shifted nervously. "N-No they aren't!"

"They're kasa-obake!" Griffith quickly added. "Look, Mr. Ukki took that eye from his owner so that he could see the world through a human point of view! Isn't it romantic?!"

"That's a spotlight, you retarded Joe!"

"Isn't it romantic?!" He grinned widely. It wavered beneath the devil's cold, unamused stare.

"Chrono," said Fate. "Were you going to record us having sex?"

His face went blank for a moment. Then, with cheeks aflame:"_Whaaaaat!?"_

"You were, weren't you?"

"No! This was all Hayate's idea!"

"Bullshit! Hayate's heart is as pure as a virgin's first orgasm!"

"_Oh, give me a break!_ They dragged me into this and put an electric collar on me, not to mention your junkie student shooting me in the head—!"

"Somebody's walking away a woman tonight," Nanoha rumbled, "and it's not going to be Fate," She glared at their crotches.

Griffith collapsed to his knees and cupped his manhood. "Oh no no no no no no no!" he squealed, his voice rising several octaves. Zafira and Vice yelled and covered their own shriveled jewelry.

Chrono saw red. He gritted his teeth, hunched his shoulders, and with a primal roar spun in a full circle and threw Hayate at Nanoha. The Lieutenant-Colonel crashed into the Ace of Aces and bowled them over the threshold into the bedroom. Fate yelped, draining out the stereo blaring 'Shake It, Bake It, Booty Quake It'.

There was a crunching, sparking sound, and Fate looked up to see Chrono ripping the collar from his neck. Pieces of scrap metal and leather rained from his gloved hand. _"Who the fuck do you think I am?!"_

"A dead man." Nanoha pushed the gasping Hayate off her and pushed herself onto her feet. She swayed, fists clenched loosely at her sides. "I see a dead man walking."

"What does that make us?!" Vice asked.

She glanced at him sidelong, deadly serious. "Tools for me to use for when I beat his dick in!"

Chrono harrumphed and spat off to the side. "Me, dead? You're talking out of your ass!"

"I'll shove your face right up it!" Magic flaring in her hands, they charged at each other.

The top half of the building disintegrated, and instead of hitting Nanoha his knuckles dug into the mottled face of a dremora valkynaz. Its body crushed against the wall, it gave him a half-assed grin jammed with yellowed razors.

Chrono blinked. "U-Umm…."

Griffith pissed himself screaming, pointing and blabbering incoherently at the sky that was now their ceiling.

Demons that were raining from a blood-red sky seared with fiery veins.

"Oh what the fuck!" Nanoha spat. "Move, asshole!" She hauled the saddle over her head and, knowing better than to stand there staring at this man-like creature like a damn dope, Chrono ducked and heard a sickening crunch of bone as the missile struck its target.

"That's the smartest thing you've done all night," he told her.

She pounded her chest with a fist. "Gotta keep my girl safe, you know!"

"Are _they_ in on your little sexcapade, too?!" Fate shot at the men, gesturing at the fallen dremora.

"We don't even know what the fuck just happened!" said Vice.

"All that matters is that they're interrupting my night of sexual plateau and R&B jams no self-respecting man these days wants to emulate anymore!" Nanoha bent down, took Hayate in her arms, and unceremoniously tossed her to Zafira. "Get her shit together and wake her up. Fate, go and grab Bardiche and Raging Heart! No one fucks with the Devil on a Friday night and gets away with it!"


End file.
